Abusers Wave Red Flags (part 3)
So far, we’ve posted blogs providing two warning signs potential abusers display: (1) an unhealthy need for control and (2) a tendency toward jealous behavior.
Before I venture into the 3rd warning sign, it’s also important to remember that many abusive relationships move very quickly, with the future abuser keeping the momentum going and wanting a commitment right off the bat. Once that devotion is offered, other behaviors usually are put on display and provide even more warnings of trouble ahead.
In the last blog, I mentioned that some victims of jealous partners alter their lifestyles and opt to spend time alone with their partners, avoiding the potential jealous outbursts that tend to follow interactions with other people. The fact is, the decision to avoid mingling with friends and to reduce one’s social life to accommodate another’s jealousy can be dangerous, and this blog explains why. Warning sign #3: Social Isolation.
Abusers typically want their victims to be socially isolated. A victim without a social support network has a more difficult time breaking out of the violent relationship. Many victims manage to escape abusive relationships with no one to help them, give them moral support or access to resources. It does happen, but it’s much harder to do.
Attempts to isolate someone from his or her family and friends can happen in subtle ways. A new partner might say something like, “I just want you all to myself, so let’s just stay in and watch a movie together instead of going to the party as we planned.” Again, as I’ve written in the other blogs, this kind of request or behavior on its own does not mean I’m saying you’re dating or married to an abuser! Maybe this person just didn’t feel like a party that night. However, when there’s a pattern, you should pay attention, be cautious, and examine the relationship for other warning signs.
A rather common scenario involves a boyfriend claiming that his girlfriend’s best friend “might have hit on me.” That vague accusation is provided after the girlfriend has already sworn the upcoming confession to secrecy. She has promised not to share the accusation with her best friend, and her boyfriend has assured her that “it was probably nothing” and that he doesn’t want to hurt their friendship. But a seed has been planted that might cause her to distance herself from her best friend. And other seeds are planted affecting friend after friend, and one family member after another.
The idea is to create a greater dependence on the abuser and isolate the victim from others who might influence him/her away from the unhealthy relationship. A break-up or escape is less likely to happen because the victim really has no one else to be with.
Notice that no acts of physical violence have been mentioned in these 3 blogs. We haven’t made it there yet. The stage is being set, that’s all. At this point, we just have some red flags waving. The question is, are you willing to see them? And if you see them, are you willing to turn away?
When it comes to these warning signs, I heard Oprah Winfrey quote with enthusiasm something Iyanla Vanzant said. It is one of the funniest but truest things I’ve heard. She said, ”When you see crazy coming, cross the street!”
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