Abusers Wave Red Flags: Part#2 — Jealousy
In our last blog, you read about the first warning sign for abusive behavior: an unhealthy need for control. Today, we’ll provide another big red flag, one often mistaken for romance or a sign of “real love.” Warning sign #2 is jealousy.
It’s not unusual to feel jealous sometimes; it’s part of being human. And as you read in our blog about control, all control freaks are not abusers. The same goes for jealousy. Your significant other might be “the jealous type” without being or becoming an abuser. Jealousy is a tough issue to grapple with because often it seems to be the only complaint someone has about a relationship. But when jealousy is prevalent enough even to warrant the mention of it, you might have a bigger problem than you realize. When it is expressed in anger or with threats, or it influences your decisions, you certainly have an issue; at best, you have a difficult relationship worth reconsidering. Maya Angelou stated it well when she wrote, Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.
The kind of jealousy we’re talking about here offers nothing savory to the relationship: A husband who does not dare to speak to a female if his wife is within a mile radius because if there is any chance of her witnessing a simple exchange of hello’s, a jealous rage will be unleahsed upon him when he gets home; teens whose boyfriends display their jealousy so strongly that the girls do little more than brush their teeth before going to school, because any efforts beyond that lead to accusations of cheating. This kind of jealousy is neither healthy nor acceptable. Among other detriments, it impedes your freedom in your relationships — not only in your romantic relationship, but in others, as well. Victims of this level of jealousy might reduce their socializing simply to avoid jealous outbursts and conflicts. We hear about how they miss out on things that could be fun because the potential for a jealous fit is too great; they tell us “it’s just not worth it,” so they opt for time alone. I argue, however, that what isn’t worth it is the sacrifice that results from altering one’s life to accommodate another’s jealousy. Not only do you miss out on life, but withdrawing this way leads to bigger problems on which we’ll elaborate in the next blog when we provide information about Red Flag #3: Social Isolation.
We’ll close with another quote that paints a more accurate description of the kind of jealousy we’ve described above, and it’s a description worthy of serious consideration:
Jealousy is the dragon in paradise; the hell of heaven; and the most bitter of the emotions because [it is] associated with the sweetest. ~A.R. Orage
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