Abusers Wave Red Flags (part 1)
When you’ve worked with victims of domestic violence as long as we have, you develop an uncanny ability to identify abuse or the potential for it. Those outside the field at first object to your speculations, calling you cynical and paranoid, but when the situation unfolds as you predicted, you’re deemed a psychic or genius. In reality, with a bit of education about domestic violence, everyone can see these warning signs as clearly as we do. You just have to be willing to open your eyes and acknowledge them.
We have joked that “they make abusers in a factory” because they’re so much alike — not in how they look but in how they behave. Although abusers come from all classes, races and religions (as do their victims), their behavior is quite similar and predictable and upon meeting them, they’re usually waving bright red flags warning you of trouble ahead.
In this series of blogs, we’ll share some of the characteristics we call red flags for abuse. These red flags are indicators. It’s important to remember that many of us display these behaviors but aren’t abusive. For instance, this blog focuses on control, but being “a control freak” does not mean someone is also a perpetrator of domestic violence. It’s just that many abusers do have an unhealthy need to be in control and display control over their victims. It’s a tendency that usually is accompanied by others we’ll share in this series.
Efforts to control one’s partner can be displayed in subtle ways. You can see this in casual conversations and settings:
- Interrupting, refusing to allow the partner to talk
- Consistently answering for the other person, instead of allowing him/her to do so
- At a restaurant: ordering food for another person without first consulting him/her
- Criticizing someone in front of others: Our social norms teach us to avoid criticizing our partners in front of company; we’re taught to keep those conversations at home and in private. However, an abusive person will openly criticize his or her partner in front of others. Often people might joke and tease, but when the criticism takes a serious tone or the butt of the “joke” isn’t smiling, this should generate some concern.
Now, you might read this and think, My wife does this all the time! We’re not saying your wife is an abuser because she constantly interrupts you, but a bit controlling? Maybe (at least when it comes to conversation). Annoying? For some, probably a definite yes. Keep reading, however, before making up your mind on the abuse aspect.
Other forms of control over a person involve financial matters. Many couples designate one person to manage the finances, and when this is an agreed arrangement, it can work out well, provided the other partner is not kept in the dark or denied access to records and cash. One example of an abuser exhibiting financial control over a victim involves the denial of access to money by holding the ATM card, checkbook or refusing to share passwords for online banking. This also creates a dependence on the abuser and makes it more difficult to exit the relationship.
Abusers will control their victims by monitoring their activities. When pagers were the rage, we saw many victims carrying one that was paid for by their partners, specifically for the reason of monitoring their whereabouts to the best of their ability. If the victim did not respond quickly to a page, there would be trouble. Now, with cell phones, abusers can constantly maintain contact with their victims. In the beginning, continuous calls and texts can seem romantic, and sometimes they are simply that – a consequence of being “in love.” But be wary of someone who texts or calls to verify your every move and becomes angry or pouts when you do not reply in a time he or she deems efficient.
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, please get help. You can reach us by calling 972-744-4858. Information online is readily available, as well, but visit http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/InternetSafety.php for important Internet safety tips, esepcially if your abuser could access your email and Internet activities.
Comments
Tell me what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!