Although these efforts are not new to our agency, they will likely receive more attention given the recent tragedies involving victims of bullying who took their own lives.

I believe a better word to describe what we call bullying – the physical attacks, harassment and stalking committed by one or more youth against another –  is abuse. Perhaps the term “Peer Abuse” provides a more specific description. Others will call it terrorism, which is understandable, too. “Bullying” just doesn’t seem an adequate description any more.

One of the first steps NYFC took in addressing this issue involved our Juvenile First Offender Program. Juveniles cited for minor offenses are referred to this program, in which participation is voluntary. We receive many referrals for kids who received a citation for fighting. It is not uncommon for our staff, upon their initial, in-depth interview with juveniles and their parents, to learn that the youth cited for fighting was lashing out for the first time against a bully. With no-tolerance policies in most school districts, it’s common for all parties involved in a physical confrontation to receive these citations.

Although all parties involved in a “fight” may be referred to our First Offender Program, if they choose to participate, they will receive more individualized/specialized assistance. We do not take a cookie cutter approach to our program. Victims of Bullying can work with a Professional Life Coach to help them cope, find their strengths and empower themselves. When we learn that a juvenile has a pattern of abusing his/her peers, a Life Coach or Professional Therapist provides intervention services in effort to stop that pattern of behavior.

We believe the remedy to bullying or peer abuse requires a multidisciplinary approach, and we’re doing our part to address this issue from a mental health perspective.

Now that I’m back to blogging, I’ll dedicate at least this month’s posts to this topic.

First and foremost, I will keep the big picture in front of me at all times. The season means the most to my daughter, who, as I said is three years old. So much is new to her and inspires awe. Therefore, I will attempt to think of the holiday season from her perspective and act accordingly…within reason, of course. There is freedom in doing this because what it means is the following (not ranked in order of importance):

#1: I will not exhaust myself by decorating the house. My decorations will be determined by the three-year-old. As a result, some older folks will describe my holiday decor as “pathetic.” I even chuckle at our tree with its pink tinsel, glaring bald spots, lopsided decorations and lights. My daughter loves it, however, and she helped adorn it, so it’s perfect.

#2: I will get the kiddo a Christmas gift she’ll like and use, rather than what I think will dazzle her. Although I think the roaring, stomping, remote controlled dinosaur in a display box at Target would make her Christmas morning the best ever, she enjoys it thoroughly at Target. It makes our trips to the store fun for her. If I bought that thing, it would break my budget, and she would no longer have that dinosaur to look forward to when we visit Target. Watercolors and paper won’t break my budget, however, and if she plays with a watercolor set for 10 minutes before getting bored with it, I won’t be too upset about that.

#3: I will say “No.” Since this is a favorite word for many three-year-olds, I will adopt it.

I recognize there are limits to what I can do if I want to stay healthy and sane. Prioritizing is essential. That means I might turn down an invitation in order to rest and regain some energy. That means I won’t spend time and money buying little gifts to keep on hand in case a neighbor I hardly know shows up with a present.

#4: I will be flexible. This will require me to stay focused on the big picture. For instance, it isn’t necessary to force the kiddo to sit through an entire holiday concert, when we can slip out early and end the day in a happy mood. It isn’t necessary for me to teach my daughter to ice-skate. Instead, I’ll wait until my brother gets in town because unlike me, he can actually skate. It will give my daughter another great memory with her “Uncle Boo,” and I will have less stress (and fewer injuries).

#5: I will participate in a toy drive to help my daughter learn about reality and the importance of giving.

#6: I will add wiggle room into my schedule to allow time for the unexpected or to take a nap!

#7: I will not make cookies from scratch when the ready-made will do just fine.

#8: I will love my daughter well by including her father in our holiday celebrations.

#9: I will put aside my pride and accept others’ help and generosity, knowing that friendship involves accepting as well as giving.

#10: I will remember to breathe.

 Please share your holiday survival guide and stress management tips with us.

From all of us at NYFC, Happy Holidays!

I thought he loved me because I loved him

I stayed no matter how many times he hit me

I stayed because he told me he was sorry and loved me

I stayed because he told me he would stop

I stayed because he threatened me not to leave

I stayed because he told me he wasn’t scared of jail or the cops

I stayed because he told me he needed me and couldn’t live without me

I stayed because I was pregnant with his child

I stayed because I was told and felt if I left I was weak

I stayed because he sobbed and I had never seen a man do that

I stayed because he begged me and promised he’d go to counseling

I stayed because I wanted to make him happy

I stayed because he told me no one else would want me

I stayed because I didn’t know any better

I stayed until I had had enough

I stayed until I realized he would never change

I then stayed until I felt safe enough to leave

The truth is

I now realize all of this was just my excuses

It enabled him to continue to control and inflict bruises

It enabled him to degrade me and make me feel useless

I am no longer a victim

I have newfound freedom

Which was always there

But didn’t realize it cause I was blinded by fear

Now I can live, smile and breathe

Without first thinking am I going to make him angry or am I fulfilling his needs

I am going to stay gone

I want my happiness, security sanity and life to be prolonged

Taihitia

The Texas Council on Family Violence recently released its 2008 statistics on family violence murders in Texas. In 2008, 136 women were killed due to acts of domestic violence. If you consider the children, parents, siblings, extended family members, co-workers and friends of these murder victims, then the number of people impacted reaches the thousands. To read more statistics on the 136 domestic violence homicides in 2008, visit this link:

http://www.tcfv.org/pdf/dvam2009/women%20killed%20statistics%20page.pdf

Blogs this month will include the following topics:

• Internet Safety
• How to help  an abused loved one
• Warning signs for lethal violence
• Emotional Abuse
• Making the Escape
• Protective Orders
• Impact of DV on Children

Before I venture into the 3rd warning sign, it’s also important to remember that many abusive relationships move very quickly, with the future abuser keeping the momentum going and wanting a commitment right off the bat. Once that devotion is offered, other behaviors usually are put on display and provide even more warnings of trouble ahead.

In the last blog, I mentioned that some victims of jealous partners alter their lifestyles and opt to spend time alone with their partners, avoiding the potential jealous outbursts that tend to follow interactions with other people. The fact is, the decision to avoid mingling with friends and to reduce one’s social life to accommodate another’s jealousy can be dangerous, and this blog explains why. Warning sign #3: Social Isolation.

Abusers typically want their victims to be socially isolated. A victim without a social support network has a more difficult time breaking out of the violent relationship. Many victims manage to escape abusive relationships with no one to help them, give them moral support or access to resources. It does happen, but it’s much harder to do.  

Attempts to isolate someone from his or her family and friends can happen in subtle ways. A new partner might say something like, “I just want you all to myself, so let’s just stay in and watch a movie together instead of going to the party as we planned.” Again, as I’ve written in the other blogs, this kind of request or behavior on its own does not mean I’m saying you’re dating or married to an abuser! Maybe this person just didn’t feel like a party that night. However, when there’s a pattern, you should pay attention, be cautious, and examine the relationship for other warning signs.

A rather common scenario involves a boyfriend claiming that his girlfriend’s best friend “might have hit on me.” That vague accusation is provided after the girlfriend has already sworn the upcoming confession to secrecy. She has promised not to share the accusation with her best friend,  and her boyfriend has assured her that “it was probably nothing” and that he doesn’t want to hurt their friendship. But a seed has been planted that might cause her to distance herself from her best friend. And other seeds are planted affecting friend after friend,  and one family member after another.

The idea is to create a greater dependence on the abuser and isolate the victim from others who might influence him/her away from the unhealthy relationship. A break-up or escape is less likely to happen because the victim really has no one else to be with.

Notice that no acts of physical violence have been mentioned in these 3 blogs. We haven’t made it there yet. The stage is being set, that’s all. At this point, we just have some red flags waving. The question is, are you willing to see them? And if you see them, are you willing to turn away?

When it comes to these warning signs, I heard Oprah Winfrey quote with enthusiasm something Iyanla Vanzant said. It is one of the funniest but truest things I’ve heard. She said, ”When you see crazy coming, cross the street!”

It’s not unusual to feel jealous sometimes; it’s part of being human. And as you read in our blog about control, all control freaks are not abusers. The same goes for jealousy. Your significant other might be “the jealous type” without being or becoming an abuser.  Jealousy is a tough issue to grapple with because often it seems to be the only complaint someone has about a relationship. But when jealousy is prevalent enough even to warrant the mention of it, you might have a bigger problem than you realize. When it is expressed in anger or with threats, or it influences your decisions, you certainly have an issue; at best, you have a difficult relationship worth reconsidering. Maya Angelou stated it well when she wrote, Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.  A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.

The kind of jealousy we’re talking about here offers nothing savory to the relationship: A husband who does not dare to speak to a female if his wife is within a mile radius because if there is any chance of her witnessing a simple exchange of hello’s, a jealous rage will be unleahsed upon him when he gets home; teens whose boyfriends display their jealousy so strongly that the girls do little more than brush their teeth before going to school, because any efforts beyond that lead to accusations of cheating. This kind of jealousy is neither healthy nor acceptable. Among other detriments, it impedes your freedom in your relationships — not only in your romantic relationship, but in others, as well. Victims of this level of jealousy might reduce their socializing simply to avoid jealous outbursts and conflicts. We hear about how they miss out on things that could be fun because the potential for a jealous fit is too great; they tell us “it’s just not worth it,” so they opt for time alone. I argue, however, that what isn’t worth it is the sacrifice that results from altering one’s life to accommodate another’s jealousy. Not only do you miss out on life, but withdrawing this way leads to bigger problems on which we’ll elaborate in the next blog when we provide information about Red Flag #3: Social Isolation.

We’ll close with another quote that paints a more accurate description of the kind of jealousy we’ve described above, and it’s a description worthy of serious consideration:  

Jealousy is the dragon in paradise; the hell of heaven; and the most bitter of the emotions because [it is] associated with the sweetest.  ~A.R. Orage

We have joked that “they make abusers in a factory” because they’re so much alike — not in how they look but in how they behave. Although abusers come from all classes, races and religions (as do their victims), their behavior is quite similar and predictable and upon meeting them, they’re usually waving bright red flags warning you of trouble ahead.

In this series of blogs, we’ll share some of the characteristics we call red flags for abuse. These red flags are indicators. It’s important to remember that many of us display these behaviors but aren’t abusive. For instance, this blog focuses on control, but being “a control freak” does not mean someone is also a perpetrator of domestic violence. It’s just that many abusers do have an unhealthy need to be in control and display control over their victims. It’s a tendency that usually is accompanied by others we’ll share in this series. 

Efforts to control one’s partner can be displayed in subtle ways. You can see this in casual conversations and settings:

• Interrupting, refusing to allow the partner to talk
• Consistently answering for the other person, instead of allowing him/her to do so
• At a restaurant: ordering food for another person without first consulting him/her
• Criticizing someone in front of others: Our social norms teach us to avoid criticizing our partners in front of company; we’re taught to keep those conversations at home and in private. However, an abusive person will openly criticize his or her partner in front of others. Often people might joke and tease, but when the criticism takes a serious tone or the butt of the “joke” isn’t smiling, this should generate some concern.

Now, you might read this and think, My wife does this all the time! We’re not saying your wife is an abuser because she constantly interrupts you, but a bit controlling? Maybe (at least when it comes to conversation). Annoying? For some, probably a definite yes. Keep reading, however, before making up your mind on the abuse aspect.

Other forms of control over a person involve financial matters. Many couples designate one person to manage the finances, and when this is an agreed arrangement, it can work out well, provided the other partner is not kept in the dark or denied access to records and cash. One example of an abuser exhibiting financial control over a victim involves the denial of access to money by holding the ATM card, checkbook or refusing to share passwords for online banking. This also creates a dependence on the abuser and makes it more difficult to exit the relationship.

 Abusers will control their victims by monitoring their activities. When pagers were the rage, we saw many victims carrying one that was paid for by their partners, specifically for the reason of monitoring their whereabouts to the best of their ability. If the victim did not respond quickly to a page, there would be trouble. Now, with cell phones, abusers can constantly maintain contact with their victims. In the beginning, continuous calls and texts can seem romantic, and sometimes they are simply that – a consequence of being “in love.” But be wary of someone who texts or calls to verify your every move and becomes angry or pouts when you do not reply in a time he or she deems efficient.

If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, please get help. You can reach us by calling 972-744-4858. Information online is readily available, as well, but visit  http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/InternetSafety.php for important Internet safety tips, esepcially if your abuser could access your email and Internet activities.

 The most common type of call we respond to involves the death of someone’s family member or other loved one. Usually, the death is unexpected and involves a tragedy, such as a car crash, a horrible accident, a suicide or homicide. The hardest of those calls involves the death of a child, and NYFC advocates have responded to a countless number of these tragedies. Until recently, we had no name for these parents – parents whose children had died. That was until I learned about “Vilomah.”

Around Memorial Day, I read a piece in the Dallas Morning News regarding the need for grieving parents to have a name to describe their status. The column referred to Dr. Karla Holloway’s suggestion to apply the Sanskrit word “vilomah” to these special mourners.  The article shared Dr. Holloway’s words: “Vilomah” means “against a natural order.” As in, the grey-haired should not bury those with black hair. As in, our children should not precede us in death. If they do, we are vilomahed.  “Vilomah” is a name for the grief we represent. It might sound odd at first. But we have grown used to the word “widow.” It’s not much different, and it shares the same etymology.  

 I sent an email to Dr. Holloway because I feel like she has initiated what could be a trend or custom, and I wanted to give her credit for that. She also has experienced the grief that comes from losing a child. She wrote about her son’s death in the preface of her book, Passed On: African American Mourning Stories. Dr. Holloway is a professor of English at Duke University; I imagined she’d be too busy to reply, but I wanted to make an attempt to correspond with her. I was pleasantly surprised to find an email from her in my inbox less than 48 hours later. Her reply to my email included this:  “I am indeed interested in the word gaining usage: but not in having it connected to my invention. My desire is more in line with something like what poet Gwendolyn Brooks said – to put something in the air, and let it take its own flight…But the word is ours, openly, for the grim and grievous use of those of us who heretofore have had no name.”

Here we go: Be rudely awakened by alarm. Roll out of bed, crawl into shower, debate whether it’s really necessary to shave my legs. Out of the shower, shuffle to kitchen and grab much-needed cup of coffee. Open fridge to get breakfast for my little girl. Notice independent ecosystems inside 3 left-over containers. Vow to throw them out tonight. Turn on Sesame Street to keep the kiddo occupied while I get myself ready for the day. Kiss husband goodbye. Redress daughter because she has put on her clothes inside-out and/or backwards. Return to kitchen, open pantry to grab some bread in order to make a sandwich to take for lunch because I’m determined to save some money and quit eating fast food. Remove mold from corners of the 2 remaining slices of bread. Throw lunch in to-go bag. Fill my overpriced Starbucks travel mug with a second round of coffee.  Pick up newspaper on our way to the car, which desperately needs washing, and hope to read newspaper during lunch at work. Promptly exit car and return to house because I forgot something, and then forget what that something was by the time we get inside. Stomp back to vehicle. Remain calm while (1) agreeing with child as to the beauty of dandelions in our yard and (2) demanding that she get her little behind in the carseat right now. Drive lil’ britches to learning center and fret about how I’m running late yet again.

Get to the office, respond to emails while fielding calls, answering questions from entire world (okay, a few colleagues). Attempt to make progress on projects with rapidly approaching deadlines. Realize at lunchtime that I forgot to eat breakfast, forgot about a doctor’s appointment (which was indeed on my calendar), and forgot to have daughter brush her teeth. Wonder if I filled the dogs’ water bowl. Reluctantly eat lunch with my colleagues instead of at my desk, which I believe I really should do because the pile of work is growing rather than shrinking. Enjoy some gallows humor during lunch along with relentless teasing about my PB&J and drinking milk from a Lightning McQueen sippy cup (it’s all I could find). The afternoon continues like the morning, and the project with the now-closer deadline remains virtually untouched. Go home, water garden, feed dogs, make dinner, attempt to have uninterrupted conversation with husband, get daughter to bed. Glare at basket of clean clothes needing folding. Curse the clock because it’s already 10pm, and I have 14 loads of laundry needing washing (okay, 4). Squat down to pick up a wayward toy and wince at how much harder it is to get back up than it used to be, scold myself for never exercising, and worry about what I’ll be like when I’m 70 if I can hardly pick myself up off the floor now! Crawl into bed around 11pm, and realize I’m too pooped to read the newspaper.

I bet you can relate.

“Breathe,” I’ve been told. “Just breathe.”

So, during lunch today, I asked one of my colleagues here at NYFC who happens to be our full-time therapist, “So, Pat, I breathe. Then what?”

Pat’s reply: “Well, breathing helps manage the stress, but you can take action in order to reduce that stress.”

“Like what, Ms. Therapist?” And two other colleagues pipe in, “Yeah, Pat, like what?”

“Prioritize.” She says. “Determine what is most important. For instance, is the laundry really necessary to do at 10 at night, or can it wait ‘til Saturday?”

One colleague responds in her usual fashion, “Yeah, it can wait if I wear my underwear inside-out.”

Pat shakes her head and continues, “Make a list. And it’s helpful if you look at it, unlike me, who makes lists that end up at the bottom of my purse. So, put the list in a noticeable place, like on the fridge. And make it realistic, with just 3 or 4 items.”

We agreed that was a good idea.

Pat continued, “So, because it’s not acceptable to wear your underwear inside-out, a load of laundry is on the top of the list today. And make sure the laundry you do is your underwear and not the sheets because that won’t help you get dressed tomorrow! Then, watering the garden is on there because it’s a must. If you don’t have milk for the munchkin, then getting to the grocery store is important. There’s your list.”

She added that it’s also important to ask for help. “Ask your husband to feed the dogs,” she says.

“Then, set your alarm so that you get up early enough to accomplish a few things. It’s important to know how many snoozes you can tolerate. For me, after the fourth time I hit the snooze button, I’ve had it, and I’ll get up. So factor snooze time in, as well.”

Pat also stated that it’s important to know your limits. “If you’ve had a bad day, and you’re in a foul mood, maybe you should ask for help so that you don’t kill any humans today.” She looked at me,  “On those days, call your mom and ask her to pick up the wee one from school because if you have to do it, somebody won’t make it home.” She closes her eyes and smiles. Another colleague doesn’t love the comment about somebody not making it home, but Pat explains. “Really, sometimes the stress can be so high that you feel that way. Doesn’t mean you’ll hurt anyone, but you just feel like you’ve reached your wits’ end, and it’s important to ask for help when that occurs.”

Finally, she insists that we make time for ourselves. “With the summer and kids and all that’s going on, you have to value yourself enough to set aside time for you, even if it’s just reading the Sunday paper in bed. It’s important to give yourself some time every week, or resentment can build up.”

And throughout the crazy week, breathe.