Survivor’s Poem: I Once Was a Victim
I once was a victim
I thought he loved me because I loved him
I stayed no matter how many times he hit me
I stayed because he told me he was sorry and loved me
I stayed because he told me he would stop
I stayed because he threatened me not to leave
I stayed because he told me he wasn’t scared of jail or the cops
I stayed because he told me he needed me and couldn’t live without me
I stayed because I was pregnant with his child
I stayed because I was told and felt if I left I was weak
I stayed because he sobbed and I had never seen a man do that
I stayed because he begged me and promised he’d go to counseling
I stayed because I wanted to make him happy
I stayed because he told me no one else would want me
I stayed because I didn’t know any better
I stayed until I had had enough
I stayed until I realized he would never change
I then stayed until I felt safe enough to leave
The truth is
I now realize all of this was just my excuses
It enabled him to continue to control and inflict bruises
It enabled him to degrade me and make me feel useless
I am no longer a victim
I have newfound freedom
Which was always there
But didn’t realize it cause I was blinded by fear
Now I can live, smile and breathe
Without first thinking am I going to make him angry or am I fulfilling his needs
I am going to stay gone
I want my happiness, security sanity and life to be prolonged
Taihitia
Survivor’s Poem for Children
October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
After taking a sabbatical from blogging, we’re back! With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we will focus on this topic. We have posted 3 previous blogs providing warning signs potential abusers display: (1) an unhealthy need for control and (2) a tendency toward jealous behavior and (3) attempts at social isolation. If you haven’t read those, please do because they contain some valuable information. If you know the warning signs, it’s far easier and safer to predict and avoid an abusive relationship than it is to escape one.
The Texas Council on Family Violence recently released its 2008 statistics on family violence murders in Texas. In 2008, 136 women were killed due to acts of domestic violence. If you consider the children, parents, siblings, extended family members, co-workers and friends of these murder victims, then the number of people impacted reaches the thousands. To read more statistics on the 136 domestic violence homicides in 2008, visit this link:
http://www.tcfv.org/pdf/dvam2009/women%20killed%20statistics%20page.pdf
Blogs this month will include the following topics:
- Internet Safety
- How to help an abused loved one
- Warning signs for lethal violence
- Emotional Abuse
- Making the Escape
- Protective Orders
- Impact of DV on Children
Abusers Wave Red Flags (part 3)
So far, we’ve posted blogs providing two warning signs potential abusers display: (1) an unhealthy need for control and (2) a tendency toward jealous behavior.
Before I venture into the 3rd warning sign, it’s also important to remember that many abusive relationships move very quickly, with the future abuser keeping the momentum going and wanting a commitment right off the bat. Once that devotion is offered, other behaviors usually are put on display and provide even more warnings of trouble ahead.
In the last blog, I mentioned that some victims of jealous partners alter their lifestyles and opt to spend time alone with their partners, avoiding the potential jealous outbursts that tend to follow interactions with other people. The fact is, the decision to avoid mingling with friends and to reduce one’s social life to accommodate another’s jealousy can be dangerous, and this blog explains why. Warning sign #3: Social Isolation.
Abusers typically want their victims to be socially isolated. A victim without a social support network has a more difficult time breaking out of the violent relationship. Many victims manage to escape abusive relationships with no one to help them, give them moral support or access to resources. It does happen, but it’s much harder to do.
Attempts to isolate someone from his or her family and friends can happen in subtle ways. A new partner might say something like, “I just want you all to myself, so let’s just stay in and watch a movie together instead of going to the party as we planned.” Again, as I’ve written in the other blogs, this kind of request or behavior on its own does not mean I’m saying you’re dating or married to an abuser! Maybe this person just didn’t feel like a party that night. However, when there’s a pattern, you should pay attention, be cautious, and examine the relationship for other warning signs.
A rather common scenario involves a boyfriend claiming that his girlfriend’s best friend “might have hit on me.” That vague accusation is provided after the girlfriend has already sworn the upcoming confession to secrecy. She has promised not to share the accusation with her best friend, and her boyfriend has assured her that “it was probably nothing” and that he doesn’t want to hurt their friendship. But a seed has been planted that might cause her to distance herself from her best friend. And other seeds are planted affecting friend after friend, and one family member after another.
The idea is to create a greater dependence on the abuser and isolate the victim from others who might influence him/her away from the unhealthy relationship. A break-up or escape is less likely to happen because the victim really has no one else to be with.
Notice that no acts of physical violence have been mentioned in these 3 blogs. We haven’t made it there yet. The stage is being set, that’s all. At this point, we just have some red flags waving. The question is, are you willing to see them? And if you see them, are you willing to turn away?
When it comes to these warning signs, I heard Oprah Winfrey quote with enthusiasm something Iyanla Vanzant said. It is one of the funniest but truest things I’ve heard. She said, ”When you see crazy coming, cross the street!”
Abusers Wave Red Flags: Part#2 — Jealousy
In our last blog, you read about the first warning sign for abusive behavior: an unhealthy need for control. Today, we’ll provide another big red flag, one often mistaken for romance or a sign of “real love.” Warning sign #2 is jealousy.
It’s not unusual to feel jealous sometimes; it’s part of being human. And as you read in our blog about control, all control freaks are not abusers. The same goes for jealousy. Your significant other might be “the jealous type” without being or becoming an abuser. Jealousy is a tough issue to grapple with because often it seems to be the only complaint someone has about a relationship. But when jealousy is prevalent enough even to warrant the mention of it, you might have a bigger problem than you realize. When it is expressed in anger or with threats, or it influences your decisions, you certainly have an issue; at best, you have a difficult relationship worth reconsidering. Maya Angelou stated it well when she wrote, Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.
The kind of jealousy we’re talking about here offers nothing savory to the relationship: A husband who does not dare to speak to a female if his wife is within a mile radius because if there is any chance of her witnessing a simple exchange of hello’s, a jealous rage will be unleahsed upon him when he gets home; teens whose boyfriends display their jealousy so strongly that the girls do little more than brush their teeth before going to school, because any efforts beyond that lead to accusations of cheating. This kind of jealousy is neither healthy nor acceptable. Among other detriments, it impedes your freedom in your relationships — not only in your romantic relationship, but in others, as well. Victims of this level of jealousy might reduce their socializing simply to avoid jealous outbursts and conflicts. We hear about how they miss out on things that could be fun because the potential for a jealous fit is too great; they tell us “it’s just not worth it,” so they opt for time alone. I argue, however, that what isn’t worth it is the sacrifice that results from altering one’s life to accommodate another’s jealousy. Not only do you miss out on life, but withdrawing this way leads to bigger problems on which we’ll elaborate in the next blog when we provide information about Red Flag #3: Social Isolation.
We’ll close with another quote that paints a more accurate description of the kind of jealousy we’ve described above, and it’s a description worthy of serious consideration:
Jealousy is the dragon in paradise; the hell of heaven; and the most bitter of the emotions because [it is] associated with the sweetest. ~A.R. Orage
Abusers Wave Red Flags (part 1)
When you’ve worked with victims of domestic violence as long as we have, you develop an uncanny ability to identify abuse or the potential for it. Those outside the field at first object to your speculations, calling you cynical and paranoid, but when the situation unfolds as you predicted, you’re deemed a psychic or genius. In reality, with a bit of education about domestic violence, everyone can see these warning signs as clearly as we do. You just have to be willing to open your eyes and acknowledge them.
We have joked that “they make abusers in a factory” because they’re so much alike — not in how they look but in how they behave. Although abusers come from all classes, races and religions (as do their victims), their behavior is quite similar and predictable and upon meeting them, they’re usually waving bright red flags warning you of trouble ahead.
In this series of blogs, we’ll share some of the characteristics we call red flags for abuse. These red flags are indicators. It’s important to remember that many of us display these behaviors but aren’t abusive. For instance, this blog focuses on control, but being “a control freak” does not mean someone is also a perpetrator of domestic violence. It’s just that many abusers do have an unhealthy need to be in control and display control over their victims. It’s a tendency that usually is accompanied by others we’ll share in this series.
Efforts to control one’s partner can be displayed in subtle ways. You can see this in casual conversations and settings:
- Interrupting, refusing to allow the partner to talk
- Consistently answering for the other person, instead of allowing him/her to do so
- At a restaurant: ordering food for another person without first consulting him/her
- Criticizing someone in front of others: Our social norms teach us to avoid criticizing our partners in front of company; we’re taught to keep those conversations at home and in private. However, an abusive person will openly criticize his or her partner in front of others. Often people might joke and tease, but when the criticism takes a serious tone or the butt of the “joke” isn’t smiling, this should generate some concern.
Now, you might read this and think, My wife does this all the time! We’re not saying your wife is an abuser because she constantly interrupts you, but a bit controlling? Maybe (at least when it comes to conversation). Annoying? For some, probably a definite yes. Keep reading, however, before making up your mind on the abuse aspect.
Other forms of control over a person involve financial matters. Many couples designate one person to manage the finances, and when this is an agreed arrangement, it can work out well, provided the other partner is not kept in the dark or denied access to records and cash. One example of an abuser exhibiting financial control over a victim involves the denial of access to money by holding the ATM card, checkbook or refusing to share passwords for online banking. This also creates a dependence on the abuser and makes it more difficult to exit the relationship.
Abusers will control their victims by monitoring their activities. When pagers were the rage, we saw many victims carrying one that was paid for by their partners, specifically for the reason of monitoring their whereabouts to the best of their ability. If the victim did not respond quickly to a page, there would be trouble. Now, with cell phones, abusers can constantly maintain contact with their victims. In the beginning, continuous calls and texts can seem romantic, and sometimes they are simply that – a consequence of being “in love.” But be wary of someone who texts or calls to verify your every move and becomes angry or pouts when you do not reply in a time he or she deems efficient.
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, please get help. You can reach us by calling 972-744-4858. Information online is readily available, as well, but visit http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/InternetSafety.php for important Internet safety tips, esepcially if your abuser could access your email and Internet activities.